Confessions of the Heart
by KayEsse
Summary: Jim makes a confession. Spock is nowhere to be found.
1. Chapter 1

"What is it Jim?" McCoy's voice was calling out to him but the captain was elsewhere.

"We've lost contact with Spock. He's been gone for an hour. He said he wanted to investigate an abandonned building. That was his last message."

"Can't we beam him aboard?"

"No, we can't, not with the heavy interference. The storm should past in about an hour or so. It came out of nowhere Bones. He said he'd have plenty of time to get out of there."

"Knowing Spock, he must have seen something fascinating and lost track of time. He can take care of himself Jim. Try not to worry."

McCoy had placed a hand on his friends shoulder which dissapeared before the last words he'd spoken.

Jim kept rubbing his palms over and over hoping it would help his anxiety. The worry on the captain's face was becoming more and more apparent. One might even say frantic.

"I know you are worried about Spock Jim. He's a valued officer, you wouldn't want to replace him...'

The doctor's remark was cut short with a burst of anger.

The captain turned to face his chief surgeon and let him have it.

"DO YOU THINK THAT'S ALL HE IS TO ME? Someone that does his duty and gets good marks for being on time?"

"I'm sorr...Jim what's wrong?"

Jim turned away from his friend and spoke softly.

"I'm worried Bones. I miss him."

"That isn't all is it?" McCoy waited to hear the rest, but he knew.

"No."

Silence remained in the room which felt like an eternity.

"I think I am in love with him."


	2. Chapter 2

"Did, did you hear what I said?" Kirk whispered the words again to his friend.

"I did."

Jim turned around to face him his face troubled.

"You don't look shocked. In fact you don't seem surprised at all."

"That's because I knew. I've known for quite some time."

Jim regarded his friend with a frown.

"How? How Bones? How could you know when I didn't know myself?"

"You know the saying Jim, love is blind."

"Even a blind man can see with a cane. How did I not see this coming?"

"You've been busy, you tried not to dwell on it perhaps. Maybe, thinking that your feelings would go away."

"But they haven't. In fact, it's gotten worse."

"That's not a bad thing Jim."

"It is when it's one sided Bones. How could I let myself slip like that?"

Jim thought for a moment and scrutinized his medical officer.

"You did that to me on purpose didn't you? You wanted me to react to you, let myself slip and tell you how I felt."

"I had to try something. Feels good doesn't it? To finally admit the truth."

"No it doesn't."

McCoy sighed.

"Why would you say that Jim?

"Because, because it's one-sided." Jim sighed also.

"You don't know that.."

"Oh come on Bones, you know Spock. You know who he is and what he stands for. Logic. There's no place for me there. I'm no better off than Chapel pining for a man she can't have."

"Christine's pretty much gotten over her infatuation with Spock. She's accepted the fact he doesn't feel for her in that way. But as for how he feels for you.."

Jim laughed sadly.

"She's a stronger person than me Bones. I don't know if I can stop having those feelings for him. Ever since..."

"Ever since when Jim? When did it start?"

Jim rubbed the bridge of his nose feeling a headache coming on. He stretched his aching muscles for being in the same standing position and walked slowly leaning against the ship's surgeons wall.

Jim looked up at his friend and smiled reminiscing the past.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

McCoy smiled back.

"Oh, so it was that kind."

"I'll never forget the first day I saw him. So different from us but still the same. He's the reason I'm out here Bones. Do you ever stop and think and be amazed that we are not alone in this universe. That there are other creatures in it. And to meet someone from another world and to understand them, speak with them and to become friends. What a gift that is. He captured my heart Bones. And I don't know what to do about it."

"Talk to him Jim. Let him know how you feel."

"I can't Bones, I just can't. If I would lose him as a friend, I don't think I could function as well as I have for the past 3 years. We are so close him and I. It's like we are linked together and to sever that link would be disastrous."

"Do you how rare it is to find your other half? Find that special person that completes you. I thought I did. Got married, the whole spiel. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because there were good times and bad. I try to hold on to the good times and bury the bad ones. It's like reading a book, you both start off on the same page. But if someone starts to skip a few chapters, skims through it to get to the end of the story they'll miss the best part. People change Jim. Either you change together or you grow apart. You'll never know where you'll fit it if you don't try to find out for yourself. I truly believe in the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

"Good words Bones."

"Maybe you should listen to them."

"Maybe I will." Jim said softly touching hid friend's shoulder.

"Engineering to Capt. Kirk?"

Mr. Scott's voice was heard in McCoy's small office his voice somber.

The captain walked to the comm unit on the wall.

"Kirk here. Any news about Spock?"

"The storm just lifted sir. Lt. Uhura has been trying to contact him down on the planet. There is no answer from his communicator. We can't locate him. I'll keep you informed sir."

"Thanks Mr. Scott. Let me know if you hear anything."

"Aye sir."

Jim shut off the comm unit and went to join McCoy his features saddened by the news.

Jim looked up at McCoy and spoke his voice shaken.

"Looks like I may not get that chance Bones."


	3. Chapter 3

Jim began to pace and was beginning to make a pattern on the floor of McCoy's office. The news that Spock had not been located on the planet surface via his communicator sent shivers down the Captain's spine.

The mission was quite simple, respond to a distress signal. But there was anomalies with the signal. It was a repetitive message in a never ending loop. Always replaying the same signal over and over.

Danger, danger. Keep out. Keep out. Suffice it to say, the bridge crew was curious about it.

Since the planet's atmosphere was similar to Vulcans, the Captain agreed that Spock would be the logical choice. They had taken precautionary measures. Making an in depth analysis of the planet's climate for any changes.

The results were inconclusive. So they relied on the side of caution and haste.

Spock's message had been clear, when he landed safely he would go directly to the source of the beacon and relay his findings. The only message that was relayed was that he was going to investigate and abandoned building. Now, many hours later, nothing.

Spock did not know of the climate's inconstinencies. It seemed that now, he was in the heart of it.

Jim let go a breath that he did not know he was holding and stood still.

McCoy approached him from behind laying a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Jim, try not to worry." McCoy replied softly.

"We need answers Bones. I'm wasting time here. I need to get down there now."

"Well, the weather seems to be stable for the moment. Interference is gone but Spock's communicator won't respond."

"I can't feel him Bones." Jim replied nervously.

"What do you mean, Jim?"

"I don't know how to explain it, but it's been like that for awhile. Ever since that visit to Vulcan. I keep feeling him, like, like he's in my head. And now, now he's not there."

"I don't know what that means Jim. But you've always been close to him."

"I'm just worried that something is not right. What if...what if he's,"

"Don't jump to conclusions. There could be many reasons."

"You're right Bones. It's time to act now. You and I are beaming down. Get a hypo ready so we won't feel the effects of the thinned atmosphere. I need answers, and I am not going to get them here, twiddling my thumbs."

Jim left sickbay and waited for McCoy to follow him.


	4. Chapter 4

Captain Kirk waited for Dr. McCoy to arrive with the tri-ox compound that would help them with the climate on the planet below. It resembled Vulcan in it's thinner atmosphere and very hot temperatures. At the moment it was a scorcher at 48C.

McCoy arrived in the transporter room and came to stand next to his captain. He could tell Jim was nervous as he saw how he would walk past him, he couldn't stop pacing.

"Bones, what took you so long? We don't have that much time. Who knows when that window will close."

"Sorry, Jim. I had to pick up something else."

The doctor brought it out in the open.

"A subcutaneous transponder Bones. Why?"

"Not any transponder Jim. It's been created to know every detail about an individual when it is inserted in the skin."

"I thought that's what it usually does."

"Yes, a subcutaneous transponder also known as subdermal transceiver is like a small communicator. Its function is to maintain contact between an away team member and their home ship, and some models allow the user to receive discreet audio transmissions audible only to them, making it very useful when our real communicators don't work. Now, since we lost contact with Spock, and if by chance our communicators won't work at least Scotty can locate us through this method."

"What's the difference?"

I am getting to that. This model can relate all the information we need about Spock's condition when we find him. The moment it's embedded it will start to catalogue all his vital signs. I have M'Benga all ready with what needs to be done once we leave. What he can tell us while we are done there."

"But Bones, there has to be some kind of reading for it to work right? What if Spock is dead. I still want to beam up the body."

"This device can tell the difference between being inserted and not. The moment it is, it will download all information to Mr. Scott's console where M' Benga can be there to signal Scotty when to beam up.

M'Benga entered the transporter room seconds later and stood next to Mr. Scott.

Captain Kirk walked to the console where Commander Scott stood. He asked his first question.

"How long Scotty can we stay down there. That window won't stay upon for much longer. Spock has been missing a little over 2 hours."

Weel, keptin, Ah hae monitored th' system belaw oan th' planit an' th' windae is slowly beginnin' tae close. sae, if we need tae gie doon thaur. we better coorie. Ah estimate anither 22 minutes."

"Very well."

" Bones." Jim motioned the good doctor to insert the transponder and the hypo's concoction."

Moments later they stood on the transporter pad waiting to be beamed down.

The coordinates brought them in the middle of the blistering heat and the air they were breathing slowly became easier. The tri-ox compound had worked perfectly.

Jim looked around as did McCoy and could see the building Spock had mentioned in his last communiquer with the ship.

"Bones, what do you make of that structure up ahead. Looks quite old."

"Not sure Jim. Need to get a little closer to see if I recognize any markings."

McCoy started walking and Jim followed and then started to fall behind.

"Jim, you coming? Scotty said we don't have much time. We have to hurry."

"I know. I ..just don't feel him Bones."

"I know it's hard Jim, not knowing what's up ahead. But you need answers."

"That's what I am afraid of. What will I find there? Come on let's go."

Both men continued to walk towards the old structure. Every step they took was making it more and more unbearable.

What would they find? And whom?


End file.
